#29: Three Things that got me thinking

Parenting outcomes + journalistic distance + pleasure vs. enjoyment

February already!

Here are Three Things that got me thinking about intrinsic motivation this week.

1. Behind the scenes

If you frequent online parent groups (like I do), you’ve probably seen links to Janet Lansbury’s “respectful parenting” podcast episodes being passed on between worried mothers (yes, usually women) as precious remedial nuggets. I, too, have found solace in Lansbury’s words on wobbly days, and her suggestions have helped me to reframe hard situations.

So I was intrigued to know more about her own story, upbringing, and motivations in this recent profile by Ariel Levy for the New Yorker, where Lansbury says:

“It’s not like I think I’m perfect, but I’m proud of how I am as a parent, and it’s a good feeling to have. [….] My whole goal is, I want people to believe in themselves that much.”

janetlansbury

A post shared by Janet Lansbury (@janetlansbury)

In Lansbury’s world, respectful parenting roughly means giving children, from day one, the same level of respect you would give adults, meeting their needs, and stepping way back. It’s hard to tell if it works; a ‘good’ outcome will look different for different people anyway. But as Levy writes:

“Lansbury, though, does not promise that her approach will lead to the best possible kid; what she’s selling is the best possible relationship.”

We can find anecdotal clues in Lansbury’s own children. In one episode, her adult daughters Charlotte and Madeline reflect about growing up with (what Lansbury herself calls) “weird” parents. Their agreeing to talk publicly about their upbringing already seems like an endorsement; for what it’s worth, they also sound like well-adjusted, intrinsically motivated adults (full transcript here).

Here are two examples:

Charlotte: “We were never made to do anything. […] I have friends now who say pretty confidently that looking back, they wish that their parents would have forced them to do the violin or some sport because now they would be really good at it. I strongly feel totally the opposite. It’s much more important to me than my parents raised me in a way that fostered the sense of: ‘we trust you to choose your activities and pursue […] your passion of the day’.

Charlotte (around 20:49): “Do we feel intrinsic motivation instead of doing things to seek approval? 100%. […] [My parents] kind of let school be my own territory, and whether or not I wanted to do an assignment was completely up to me. They realised that there were enough forces in effect at school [so that] you’ll be punished for a bad grade and you’ll be rewarded for a good one within that context.”

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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2. Stuck on the sidelines

Here’s what the late Nora Ephron writes about what drives journalists to their profession—and its distance sometimes verging on the blasé. This is from her own introduction to Wallflower at the Orgy, a collection of Ephron’s magazine articles¹:

“People who are drawn to journalism are usually people who, because of their cynicism or emotional detachment or reserve or whatever, are incapable of being anything but witnesses to events. Something prevents them from becoming involved, committed, and allows them to remain separate. […] I always have an opinion about the orgy; I’m just not down on the floor with the rest of the bodies.”

Oh, this hits a nerve. I’ve seen this distance in myself (and in other journos). Feeling both jaded and excited when something big happens and you get to write about it from afar (even if you’re physically close to the action). Describing and analysing events and data, rather than feeling or doing anything real about them.

Photo by Davyn Ben on Unsplash

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3. Accuracy

Earlier this month, I wrote that I wanted to pay more attention to pleasure.

After reading last week’s Attuned blog post on Finding happiness in flow, I wondered if maybe I should seek enjoyment instead? Behavioural scientist Brandon Routman writes:

“Pleasure is passive […]. It’s what you feel when you’re eating too much cheesecake or binging a season of your favorite show on Netflix. […] What is needed is the discipline of daily practice: a conscientious limiting of pleasure and a proactive seeking out of enjoyment in the shape of new challenges that hopefully lead to moments of flow.”

My first reaction was self-criticism. Dang, I should have looked up pleasure before writing about it! Then I remembered that this whole newsletter project is about shedding the unnecessary shoulds I already shoulder.

This distinction between pleasure and enjoyment matters. Pleasure may be something to curb in the context of flow theory, and at the same time what I wrote still feels like a helpful guide to me. (It also seems close to what author Gretchen Rubin calls having treats ‘just because’.)

Photo by Jonathan Meyer on Unsplash

1. Ephron spent years writing at the New York Post and Esquire, among other outlets, before she wrote screenplays and directed movies.