Hello thoughtful reader,
This is the third and last of my August re-runs, where we revisit or discover old favourites. Here are Three Things that made me think about parenting and intrinsic motivation, and that I had already shared in previous posts, with insights from:
Parenting guru Janet Lansbury
Slate advice columnist Rebecca Onion
This Is Us matriarch Rebecca Pearson
You may also be interested in post #3 (one of my earliest pieces!) where I interview twin studies specialists about the origins of intrinsic motivation in childrenāthat old nature/nurture question.
And last week, I published a juicy Q&A with motivation Johnmarshall Reeve about what teachers can do to help childrenās intrinsic motivation flourish at school. Subscribe to receive part 2 straight into your inbox:
1. Parenting outcomes (from post #29)
If you frequent online parent groups (like I do), youāve probably seen links to Janet Lansburyās ārespectful parentingā podcast episodes being passed on between worried mothers (yes, usually women) as precious remedial nuggets. I, too, have found solace in Lansburyās words on wobbly days, and her suggestions have helped me to reframe hard situations.
So I was intrigued to know more about her own story, upbringing, and motivations in this recent profile by Ariel Levy for the New Yorker, where Lansbury says:
Itās not like I think Iām perfect, but Iām proud of how I am as a parent, and itās a good feeling to have. [ā¦.] My whole goal is, I want people to believe in themselves that much.
In Lansburyās world, respectful parenting roughly means giving children, from day one, the same level of respect you would give adults, meeting their needs, and stepping way back. Itās hard to tell if it works; a āgoodā outcome will look different for different people anyway. But as Levy writes:
Lansbury, though, does not promise that her approach will lead to the best possible kid; what sheās selling is the best possible relationship.
We can find anecdotal clues in Lansburyās own children. In one episode, her adult daughters Charlotte and Madeline reflect about growing up with (what Lansbury herself calls) āweirdā parents. Their agreeing to talk publicly about their upbringing already seems like an endorsement; for what itās worth, they also sound like well-adjusted, intrinsically motivated adults (full transcript here).
Here are two examples:
We were never made to do anything. [ā¦] I have friends now who say pretty confidently that looking back, they wish that their parents would have forced them to do the violin or some sport because now they would be really good at it. I strongly feel totally the opposite. Itās much more important to me that my parents raised me in a way that fostered the sense of: āwe trust you to choose your activities and pursue [ā¦] your passion of the dayā.
(around 20:49): Do we feel intrinsic motivation instead of doing things to seek approval? 100%. [ā¦] [My parents] kind of let school be my own territory, and whether or not I wanted to do an assignment was completely up to me. They realised that there were enough forces in effect at school [so that] youāll be punished for a bad grade and youāll be rewarded for a good one within that context.
2. Misnaming (from post #62)
On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slateās parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a childās intrinsic motivation:
My first grader lacks intrinsic motivation forā¦ basically everything. He does the bare minimum (at most) of whatās required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. He is a generally happy, playful, smart and athletic kid, so any natural consequences of this ābare minimum effortā havenāt caught up with him yet. Do you have any tips or tricks to inspire him to care more? I want to avoid nagging and creating only external motivators/demotivators (like rewards and consequences). How do I build his intrinsic motivation to try harder?
Who decides if and what he should ācare moreā about, or ātry harderā at? What about leaving that āhappy, playful, smart and athletic kidā be? Rebecca Onion says it with more panache when she urges the letter writer to āparent the child who is in front of youā:
Maybe he just hasnāt found the thing, yet, that presses him to put forth his maximum effort. Or maybe he never will! If heās happy and healthy, and responsible and kind, does it matter?
More broadly: it isnāt totally oxymoronic (what a delightful word!) to try and foster another personās intrinsic motivation from, well, the outside, in particular if that person is your child (or employee, or student). There are conditions that can help intrinsic motivation to flourish, which involve a good deal of stepping back.
But when I read another parent say about her daughter, who is struggling with her second-grade homework:
I hate feeling like Iām forcing her to do this extra work when I donāt believe thereās a real benefit to most of it, but Iām a rule follower and so, if the teacher assigns it, we make sure she does it. Weāve tried to build some intrinsic motivation in the form of being proud at being able to do hard things and persevering even when some tasks arenāt fun, etc., but Iām honestly not sure how much thatās helping.
ā¦ I get a little worried that āintrinsic motivationā is becoming a misnomer for āthe will to do what we adults want them to doā.
3. Yes Maāam (from post #69)
Iāve just finished watching This Is Us, and I was not ready for the series to end. š„
*SPOILER ALERT*
That heartbreaking quote from matriarch Rebecca Pearson, in episode 7 (and the rest of season 6), as she summons her adult children and lays out the law for the upcoming years of her life with Alzheimerās:
My last request is less of a request and more of a demand, actually. [ā¦]
I need you all to hear my voice right now, your motherās voice, with all of her faculties.
You will not make your lives smaller because of me.
This thing thatās happening to me will not be the thing that holds you back. So,Ā take the risks. Make the big moves, even if theyāreĀ small moves. Forge ahead with your lives in any and every direction that moves you. Iām your mother and Iām sick, and Iām asking you to be fearless. And if that seems like that is a tall order, well, guess what, it is. But the only acceptable response is a resounding, āYes, maāam.ā
I am always interested in when I need to āmakeā my child do things, versus letting them try things. For instance I make the go to swimming lessons, since I consider that a life skill, but I would not make them be on a swim team unless they wanted to.