#33: Three Things that got me thinking
Putting out for Valentine's + mixed experiences + deliberate fun
Bonjour!
And welcome to the Substack Go folks who joined after last week’s Didion roundtable. I hope you like it here. Do hit Reply if you’d like to say Hola, send ideas or comments. I will respond!
Let’s talk about the three things that made me think about intrinsic motivation lately.
1. Reciprocity is all around
I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day; I don’t hate it either: I respectfully don’t care1.
Do you enjoy the day because it gives you permission to be sappy and make time for people and things you sincerely love? Fine! Does Valentine’s marketing insanity help you to affirm your anti-consumerist principles? Fair enough, too.
If you’re on the latter end of the spectrum, you might enjoy hate-reading this paper published in the Journal of Consumer Behaviour in 2003. The study asked 61 young men about their motives for buying Valentine’s gifts, and found that the most frequent one was obligation, combined with some self-interest and altruism. Here are some of the juicy bits:
“the obligation motive could also be utilised [by marketers] conjointly with self-interest, which was also identified as an important motive. This combination would essentially present a scenario whereby self-interest is paired with an expectation of reciprocity”
“When participants were explicitly asked if they expected something in return when they gave a Valentine’s Day present, 25 per cent of subjects responded positively. Many of the responses appeared to be of a non-material nature, and some appeared to indicate a sexual connotation.”
“[marketing] messages could generate meanings such as individuals should give to make their partners feel special, but also underline the fact that giving will allow the individual to fulfil their ‘obligation’ and, in so doing, achieve their self-interest of feeling rewarded.”
💔❤️
2. Mixed / Other
I have brown skin and grew up hardly ever thinking or talking about what it means (to me) to be mixed. I did like that it allowed me to blend in wherever I travelled and never realised that being a chameleon could ever be a bad thing, or that I did so much adapting in the first place.
I credit two particular works for realisations about my own life experience:
part Asian · 100% Hapa, a gorgeous book of portraits and self-descriptions that I bought randomly in a Brussels bookshop 15 years ago. At the time, I didn’t know the term identity politics; I only remember finding joy, reflection and recognition in its pages. That book has since followed me around like a vade mecum of mixedness.
Mixed Messages by Isabella Silvers—a series of brief Q&As with mixed people, and one of a handful of Substack newsletters that I always open.
Here are some quotes from Mixed Messages interviewees about muffling outside voices to hear and trust our own:
“I get really irritated when people decide what I am. I am what I want to be, and that can be different things at different times. Usually I’m not Black or white enough, I always fail at what people want me to be.”
Laura Lewis-Paul, founder of music tech initiative Saffron Music:
“as a teen I noticeably oppressed my musical tastes to fit in with my peers. Working in the music industry too, I’ve sometimes not expressed my genuine likes or dislikes through the fear of having a different view.
Remi Adekoya, author of Biracial Britain:
“I’d like people to come away feeling emboldened to assert themselves and their identities in the way that makes them feel comfortable and not in the way they think society, or the particular mono racial group around them, expects of them.”
3. Bubbles of fun
A few weeks ago, while looking for games to play at an improvisation theatre workshop, I came across this quote by Brigid Panet in Essential Acting:
“I will not do anything which is not fun to do. Writing this is fun as I write it; when it stops being fun I will stop and play another game… maybe I’ll do the washing up or read a book. If I can sustain my recognition of the autonomy I have, that is, know that I have the power to choose and take responsibility for my choices, then whatever I decide to do has that bubble of fun inside it.”
Woah. Okay. Most of us do have more freedom and choice than we like to think. And yes, I’m all for making tasks more playful, more yours. But that sounds like a high bar to set! (I can’t really say: “I’ll just leave my baby stew in her poop because I feel like reading this fun magazine a little longer” or “I don’t have fun serving tables right now, so I’ll go play with the meat slicer for the rest of my shift”.)
Maybe we can adopt that spirit of deliberate playfulness some of the time and see how it goes?
I could swear I recall this quote is from author Elizabeth Gilbert, but I couldn’t find the reference! Let me know if you remember the source 🙏🏽
I am intrigued by the mixed messages Substack. Thanks for sharing it.