#17: Three things that got me thinking
Saying YES + Xmas wisdom + writerly motivations (again)
Intrinsic motivation is everywhere 👀
1. Yes Day
I spent a rare one-to-one half-Sunday with our (almost almost) 5-year-old, and suggested we make it a Yes Day: giving him free rein and seeing where his desires take us. The idea came from this 2020 video1:
The intention was for him to feel free and important, and for the both of us to connect and have fun. I had ideas for semi-elaborate activities—a space exhibition, a mini-train ride—but his actual wishes were low-key:
Make jokes
Paint
Draw the silhouettes of objects on paper
Play Uno
Play in a park
Jump and laugh
We also had fun doing things that weren’t on his list:
Removing his car seat cover to wash it
Using the hoover to remove crumbs in said car seat
Mending / making / hanging Christmas ornaments and fairy lights in the ficus
Watering said ficus
Mopping water on the floor by the ficus
GAH is it hard to give up control, though. Even for a few hours! I caught myself trying to steer fairly benign choices (“Are you *sure* you want the Spiderman ice lolly?”), or wanting to move things along and tick off all the items on his list. We did not paint or play in the park, and he wasn’t fussed, so why should I be? In the end, the Yes Day was really about cutting each other some slack.
When his dad returned, our son explained—visibly pleased with the power-sharing: “Today, I decided everything”. It wasn’t very different from other homely Sundays, but it felt more joyful, and less rushed.
I hope to carry some of that unhurried, accepting spirit into more ordinary days. Also, I wish I could tell you that the Yes Day recharged our family batteries and that we’re all loved up and connected now, but we had a very angry evening all around the day after 🤷🏽♀️
2. Momspreading
Ah, Sarah Wheeler’s Momspreading newsletter never disappoints. She is reliably thoughtful and funny and wise. In her latest post, Wheeler signs us a permission slip to do Christmas the way we want to (or not at all).
“This can be an opportunity, a loosening of the Christmas chains, the idea that you can mostly do what you want. If you love Christmas, love it hard. If you hate it, select the activities, if any you will participate in and skip the rest.”
AND AT THE SAME TIME, she challenges us to think about our values and actions and needs beyond this stressful/joyful season. What does our anxiety/excitement about Christmas tells us about what we miss—we as a society, and we as individuals—during the rest of the year?
“Remember, kids get the big picture. And while it is a nice thing and certainly a thing we should all do to say, give away old toys before we get new ones, that one act will not be the backdrop for your child of their moral upbringing. But things like divesting from private institutions that hoard resources on behalf of our children, working for organizations that care about other people, those things just might.”
“For me, I think my Christmas excitement is fine, and it also reveals how little I feed the sensation seeker in me the rest of the year. Why shouldn't I be going on weird activities in August? Buying presents for those I love whenever I have the urge? Drinking hot cocoa every goddamned day? (Well, that one I kind of do). For you, maybe that overwhelming anxiety about being around our partner’s family is there because we haven't given ourselves enough solitude in our daily lives.”
3. Phoebe Waller-Bridge 😍
When famous people come up with smart, intentional answers to vast interview questions, do they just know these things about themselves already? Or do they understand their own motivations in hindsight?
In this sleek, contrived group interview with The Hollywood Reporter, actress, producer and revered writer Phoebe Waller-Bridge (of Fleabag, Killing Eve, and James Bond fame) explains what drives her as a story-teller. I’d like a taste of that power she describes! (I’ve cued up the video below to start at 34’22:)
“I feel the power of writing something and having that control of being able to author a story, and know that you’re inviting an audience in with the promise that I’m going to take you on a journey and it’s going to be worth it. […] Back when I [had smaller acting] roles, I didn’t have that feeling of ‘I want to take people on a journey’. That was really driving me the last few years.”
Now I see there’s a Yes Day book and a Yes Day Netflix movie starring Jennifer Garner.
Love it! Love the honesty, too. I meant to mention that. Yes Days don’t fix everything! But it’s a fun, sweet day. I like how you said it was about cutting each other slack. It really feels like that!